I'm Sorry I Can't Be Purrfect
by Mase992
Summary: We all know Shader the Sinner. Always coming up with odd ideas and creating whacky inventions from her tattered little brain. But how much of a genius is she when it comes to cooking?


(A/N): Hi everybody! Oops I did it again... I played with your heart... (oh darn! That's what happens when you listen to your old Britney Spears records before sleeping) Anyways back to the point... Oh baby baby (Wah! Get **out **of my head!) I rather stay up late watching my Chrno Crusade DVDs until I can't keep my eyes open, but not even caffeine works. If only my parents didn't scold me. Must resist... temptation of... human blood... killing ... myself... or them... most likely... them...

CHRNO: (Sweatdrop) No more caffeine for you...

As I was saying... I did it again!

CHRNO: Um let me guess... you were eating dog biscuits secretly again, right?

MASE: No idiot! I started a new fic! (Eye twitch) What do I think I am! A dog or something?

AION: Well practically because of the stench of your breath in the mornings... yeah.

MASE: Thanks a lot Aion... really.

AION: (beam) You're welcome!

MASE: But... my breath doesn't stink! Doesn't it?

Chrno winces and pelts off in an opposite direction.

MASE: ...TRAITOR!

AION: Told ya.

MASE: Aion if you don't shut up.. there will be bedtime stories for you no more!

AION: What! Wait Mase! I can change! Please don't do this to me! I'll do anything!

MASE: (Smiles evilly) _Anything _you say?

AION: Oh dear God... no...

Well meanwhile I scheme my evil plan for torturing Aion, why don't you start reading this new story I started, ne? Chrno! Please, I need a rope, a pony, crackers, and loads, and I mean it, lots of shampoo.

Mwahahahaha...

AION: T.T

Disclaimer: Pfft! Wahahahahahaha! You really believed it? Hahahahaha! No I'm serious... you did?

**Summary:**

We all know Shader the Sinner. An unspeakable genius very well known in Pandemonium and recognized scientist among her comrades. Always cranking up with odd ideas and creating whacky inventions coming from her own tattered little brain. But... how much of a genius is she when it comes to cooking?

Genre: Humor

Rated: PG

**I'm sorry I can't be purrfect**

**Chapter 1:**

**Bet**

"You can't!"

A hoarse male voice pierced through the metallic walls of Eden. The Sinner's headquarters and home (which, if I'm allowed to say, needed a few "homely" decorations). Despite the lack of taste in ornamentation, the dismembered head of a dead zombie like demon, the creepy capsules that held captive 6 children within them, and the fact that there was no telephone nor Internet, the place was... uh... lovely. Not. I mean, how in hell could they not have Internet and not become insane over a week... no, not a week, I mean a day! And who had ever heard about a telephone company that specialized on working for... um... evil floating islands? Sadly for the Sinners there were none! Yep, up there in Eden, it was terribly hard to receive a phone call from anybody (despite the already mentioned fact that there was no phone whatsoever). Not even one to tell you the great news that your annoying-- I mean, dear great grand mother had died of getting a chicken leg stuck in her throat last Friday afternoon. No! Nothing like that.

Even the Sinners themselves had felt the terrible urge to communicate with the outside world, maybe that was the reason for them having such wicked and spoiled bratty minds, that Aion had tried to make a desperate call of Save Our Souls (SOS).

"Welcome, you have reached Pandemonium's telephone service," sounded a feminine voice from the other side of the line, "If you are a ruthless, hot-headed, blind freak who only likes to beat the crap out of everyone just for breathing the same air as you, please press the number 1."

Aion, drumming his fingers against the winndow sighed,_ ' That's Jenai's role for sure...' _

The kind voice of the lady reached his pointy ears after a loud beeping sound, "If you are a techno-freak and a rather cheerful yet annoying cat-girl, please press the number 2."

_´Heavens no!´_ screeched Aion shuddering at the thought of a slightly more feminine form of him wearing huge glasses making him have eyes as big as a fly and two pointy cat-ears popping from his head. No, definitely, it was not _his _style, and it was certainly _not _attractive.

He waited and waited for his "number" to appear, but most of the time, the lady's voice was interrupted by a commercial about chicken wings that tasted "Wega Delicious", or so said the advertiser.

"Apple sauce!" shouted Aion hitting the table with his fist in exasperation, "Hurry up will ya!"

Finally, after what seemed like an hour, in fact, it _was _an hour (imagine the phone bill), the lady said what he was waiting for all this time, "If you are an egocentrical, spoiled and desperate bisexual playboy with no morals, self-pride, nor style who is obsessed with the cliché of taking over the world with its evilly evil chicken squadron of crackery doom 3 without ruining his nails, please press number 8."

"Wohoo! Finally!" beamed Aion making a short victory dance around the phone and making a small fire for the gods and burning up the whole room in the process.

(A/N): Yay! Total randomness rocks!

He pressed the lattest number and waited for the lady to answer him, meanwhile he waited, the operator placed Dixy Land music for his amusement or rather annoyement, later followed by the "I'm too Sexy for my Shirt" song. After 15 minutes or 20, maybe 30, perhaps even more, Aion believed that if he heard more of those crappy love songs he would go insane and jump of the closest and highest cliff, or he could just jump from Eden itself. Hmm... perhaps he could rethink his options quite a bit.

"Hello, my name is Brittany. I'll be you attendant today, how may I be of your assistance?"

"Hey Bri, my name is Aion, as in ´Ion´. Before I get to the point of an SOS rescue mission, I need to point out something that bothers me about your service," he said calmly.

On the other side of the line, he could tell this ´Brittany´ furrowed her eyelashes in concern as he spoke, "What is it sir?"

"Well, where should I start then? First of all the music you put sucks bad. I mean, who puts a remix of "Barbie Girl" and Jackson's "Billie Jean"! I mean, that's disturbing!"

"Your point?"

"Wait 'cause the worst's about to come. How dare you insult my overgrown yet delightful ego by calling me a bisexual playboy! And how in seven hells you know about my plan to rule the world! Are you spying on me or something? ´Cause if you are I'll sue you!"

Aion could hear Brittany emit a deep sigh from the phone as she tried her best to stay calm and stand Aion's stupidity. She had dwelled with jerks before, like last week a freako who named himslef as ´Elder´ pressed number 5 as in " crazy scientist" and number 6 for " peeping tom". Brittany shuddered at the only sound of his voice and almost passed away out by imagining the pervert in real life. God speed!

"Mister... Aion, as in ´Ion´, we can assure you we are not trying to offend you and that we are not spying on you. And if you don't think you're a retarded gay..."

" Bisexual playboy," corrected Aion.

"Whatever. If you don't think you're that way then, why did you push the number 8?"

"I already forgot the reason for why I called you."

"... idiot." said Brittany bitterly.

"How did you call me! You'll see! I'll send my chicken squadron to get you! Mwahahahahahaha! By the way, who are you?"

Aion's left eye twitched as soon as he noticed that Brittany had hung up the phone shortly after insulting him. Aion snarled silently as he hung the phone himself and cursed. He turned only to meet a curious look from Sinner Viede's part.

"What?"

"Boss, what were you doing?"

Aion frowned, "I was talking on the phone."

Viede turned to Aion with a frown and then to the place he said the telephone supposedly laid in.

"Boss, you know we have no telephone."

Aion blinked confused, "We don't? But I just finished talking! I also listened to Al's chicken wings' song!"

Aion started humming the song of the chicken wings' advertisement and then sang it loudly (out of tune by the way).

"You can eat all you've ever wanted. With a spicy soup or peas. You can get a Ceaser salad and enjoy your chicken wings. You can eat at Al's restaurant, there's no Alice's restaurant. You can eat anything you want at Al's restaurant and enjoy your chicken wings! Pum-pum-pum..."

He then made a fake voice of a child with a blissful expression, "Wow! Al's chicken wings are ´Wega Delicious´! Hooray!"

Viede sighed in defeat as he took a still singing Aion out of the burning room (yep it was still on fire from Aion's last ´gift´to the gods), "Having allucinations again boss? Come and I should give you your medicine."

Aion just nodded but didn't really pay attention as he continued humming Al's chicken wings' song.

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(A/N): Okay, we're finally done with that "thing" I wrote earlier. Don't worry, it was just plain stupidity that crossed my mind. On with the main plot!

As I was saying before that useless interlude, a hoarse male voice pierced through the metallic walls of Eden.

"You can't!"

The owner of the voice was finally shown, it was a tall pale man with, pale white hair, and pale clothes, wearing a pale cowboy hat (yes he definitely had less style than Aion).

AION: HEY!

Oh for crying out loud, everything on him was pale. His name was Sinner Jenai ; he was sitting cross legged in front of a table with a chess board already set and some of the pieces were on play. He smirked, bearing his canines, and fixed his western styled hat.

(A/N): Okay, I know Jenai is blind but in here he _can _see. Later on in the story he _will _turn blind. He he (evil grin). And he never will expect that one coming... (Ahem) Sorry back to the fic.

His eyes were then locked on his opponent's golden orbs. A smile of pleasure curled in his lips at the sight of his adversary's eyelashes furrowed in deep concern. The owner of the white pieces was a woman. She had shoulder long grey hair, two black cat-ears popped from out of her head as a tail waved behind her. She was wearing a green sweatdhirt and a white coat scientists use, also she had blue pants and high heels. Glasses covered her deep golden eyes making her look clever. In fact, she _was _clever. She was none other than Shader the Sinner. She was an unspeakable genius.very well known in Pandemonium and recognized scientist among her comrades. She was always cranking up with odd ideas and creating whacky inventions coming from her own tattered little brain. Shader clicked her tongue and brought an arm below her chin as she pondered about a strategy to beat Jenai at least once in chess. They had made a bet and whoever won the game would challenge the loser to do something he hated. Shader wabted to torture Jenai with being her assistant in one of little projects and believed, since almost all things known to mankind resided in her brain, that it would be an easy vixtory. The problem was that she had never played chess in her life! She had read about it yes, or seen her friends play it, mainly Viede or Jenai. Ocassionally Aion, and Rizel only in emergency cases like kicking Jenai's butt on something. She stretched her shivering hand toward her King and glanced at the smirking Jenai as she moced the piece one block diagonally. Jenai clicked his tongue in disaproval as he placed his black bishop one diagonal square away from her king. Cold sweat ran down Shader's temple as she decided to move to the left. Then she gasped when noticing she was trapped. If she moved diagonally to the right, Jenai's bishop would capture her king, if she returned to the middle block from where she started from, his tower would get them, if she tried to go diagonally the other way (left) she was trapped by one of her own pawns she never moved. If she tried to retreat, there was the tower, and if she went straight, a damn horse blocked her escape. And even if she moved her own pawn, it would be too late to save her king. She sighed frustrated and shook her head. Jenai, naming himself as the winner laughed out loud as he said, "Check mate".

Shader knew the worst was about to come as she waited for Jenai to stop congratulating himself and tell her the punishmetn so this would end up quickly. She leaned against her chair ,crossed her arms, and humphed. Her black tail waving back and forth and her ears tweaking with every sound that was heard around the room, "Okay, you won. Now what?"

Jenai finished placing the last piece on its place, before turning to Shader and smirking evilly, "You want to know?" Shader drummed her clawed fingers in a steady rythmn as she nodded. The male Sinner just chuckled as he looked around the place, seeking for any inspiration.

Suddenly one of the heavy rusted metal doors opened, revealing a tall girl wearing a maid dress, with short black hair and chestnut eyes. She then bowed at them with an unemotional stare and the only earring she had, one with a blood red jewel, dangled gracefully at her deed.

"Dinner will be served soon Shader-sama."

The cat-girl recovered her good modd and smiled, "Arigatou Fi-chan!"

The other girl forged a smile and turned to leave but Jenai's voice calling for her and ordering to stop made her turn at her master curiously, "Yes Jenai-sama?"

The male Sinner smirked wider as he eyed both females, "Okay Shader. You want to know what your punishment is? Well then, I dare you prepare dinner tonight!"

Shader's mouth fell open as she stared at Jenai blankly, then she turned at the other girl pleadingly but she could do nothing. It was "Jenai-sama"'s orders.

"But... you know I **can't **cook! How am I supposed to--"

"Don't worry. I'll at least allow Fiore to help you with it."

He turned to the other girl who responded to the name ´Fiore´ and eyed her strangely. The other girl returned the cold look but then turned to the floor and bowed once more, "As you wish, Jenai-sama."

"But Fi-chan! Jenai... I... but..."

The cat-girl just cried tears of frustration as she followed Fiore out of the room and turning only to see a smirking Jenai who waved back her. She grunted and sighed defeated. She could hear Jenai laughing at her, "I'll see you in dinner time!"

Shader forced a fake laugh as Fiore and her approached the room the Sinner girl dreaded so much. The one that always smelled sweet and felt cozy. The same one full of machines, yet it wasnot the same like her laboratory. She wasn't safe among this walls.

(Sigh) T.T

Shader took a quick glance around the kitchen as Fiore took the utensils out of some drawers and placed them on the cupboard. She then glaced at Shader and smiled faintly, "Are you ready, Shader-sama?"

The catgirl smiled blankly and nodded. She just hoped she wouldn't blow the kitchen this time.

(A/N): There! Hope you enjoyed the first chapter (thought most of it was random stupidity I wanted to write somewhere and here was my only choice :p ) If you think I should continue it tell me in a review okay? Oh and the chicken sqaudron thing was an idea borrowed from a friend named Snappy, so it's her randomness that I borrowed for this chapter. I'm working on the updates for "Rosette's Birthday" and "By Your Side Always..." expect more of me soon! Oh and no Chrno here (sniff). Amazing that I didn't include Chrno somewhere (except for my stupid chit chat thing) since he's got no important role here. Neither does Rizel. Well anyways, I love ya! R&R! Phew, I'm done it's already 4:27 in the morning and I need some rest. Ja!


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